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I wonder: Who'd be interested in developing a highly privacy-protecting app analytics service to offer to the next (typically newcomer) opensource dev demanding telemetry?

Something like I discussed in: argonaut-constellation.org/202

Who'd be interested in using such a system if it existed?

No, this is different to something like Plausible or Piwik.

argonaut-constellation.orgAnalytics thoughts — Argonaut Constellation's blog