And they hated me @somatic@deadinsi.de

Psalms 27:10

Oh yeah if anyone i just followed is wondering, this is Raphael from Raphael at cybre dot space jsyk

Gosh I just push away everyone

I'm wide awake thinking about how lonely I am and how it's all my fault

you ever want to make a blog post to your seminary blog word vomiting about psychosis and waking up metaphors but you know that's just gonna sound crazy bc you might have entered a psychotic episode again

spending my night obsessively reading about my mental illness nbd

you ever touch your arm in a slow, seemingly lovingly fashion absentmindedly and get so friggin sad bc you're so friggin TOUCH STARVED??????

someone come caress me because they love me as a person not as an object please

seems like such a simple concept to have and yet i dont have it.

can i just be a person worthy of love and respect and not an object to be used and controlled for once in my life? that's all I want. thanks.

i could never say things like this to my sister. she would call blasphemy, selfishness, all the sorts. today, even though we laughed about it, something she did made me cry after i went to my room alone. i could never admit that to her. im to sensitive to her. i need to man up despite being a woman to her. idk, woman up or something.
everything i say or do or like is trash.
everything i aspire for, wrong.
hell, im even a moral stumbling block for asking to respect a couple of pronouns.

and yet im not allowed to internalize it.

i saw a thing floating around tiktok saying the japanese have a saying that the appearance you have now is the appearance of the one who you loved the most in your past life. i was so in my self hate that i was so so numb to the idea. after the 3rd or 4th time seeing it float around, which was the last time surprisingly, i started crying because i actually started to think about it. one tiktoker was saying how can you hate on the one person you loved the most in your past life, just because of society's standards, or a few haters? or something like that. and they're right

is it wrong to value myself so high? when i have been pushed down so low?

last week i felt like i hated myself so much that the moment i woke up and felt myself alive i wanted to dissociate because knowing i was breathing made me sick and angry and hateful at my existence. it was just so so full of anger and hatred and madness at my own existence.

thats no way to treat the person you have the longest relationship with.

my mom was drunk today talking about how she doesnt know how to value what good she has in front of her.

i hope she realizes when her child leaves she lost someone of value as well because of her own selfish pursuit. i hope she realizes how much she devalued me as a person all this time and how unworthy she was to have me. I am one of so much worth that she wanted to smother it so that i could not fulfill my full potential.

perhaps it was not God who nerfed me but rather those who I had made God.

this whole day i kept thinking its unfair for me to leave them and never come back, especially if i intend on never speaking to them ever again.

but whats really unfair is being told im trash everyday. that im less than everyday.

my one action of wanting to get away from the awfulness is seen as so selfish i forget that im a person and that i matter too.

Sometimes I wonder if I should shut down this account bc it's too neg but then I'm like it's here for a fucking reason bc I need a space to be neg

It's all my fault

Is hating your body a part of the dysphoria even tho I don't know what I want it to look like

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbrPvLGDLrI

me rn

when you find a new song and you dont want to fall into a state of psychosis and delusion because its such a pretty song plus youre with others

im remembering how i listened to this on repeat before the suicide attempt of 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LACbVhgtx9I

and so ive become one of the people who really google search "when will the quarantine end"

"I'm losing sleep again while others rest softly in bed never questioning routes"