Most P'alone @somatic@deadinsi.de

Oh yeah if anyone i just followed is wondering, this is Raphael from Raphael at cybre dot space jsyk

Psalms 27:10

I'm gonna fucking die

I'm so frustrated I feel like I'm gonna explode

but my image would not be placed anywhere on campus. it would not be placed anywhere on the dia de los muertos alter every year. there would be no candle light vigil. there would be no memorial or decorative piece of memory placed anywhere on anyone or anything.

i fade into invisibility even in death. if i was a character in that movie coco i would be instantly forgotten and fade into nonexistance in the after life.

no one will remember me.

because i never existed.

why do i even bother reaching out for help. why do i even bother crying out and saying hey i need help if everyones just gonna get sick of me doing that anymore. why do i bother dreaming that this life will be better when im just asleep the whole time. why bother dreaming when reality will hit me when i wake.

"but i believe that any dream worth having, is a dream that should not have to end, so ill build a dream that i can live in, and this time im never waking up"

why bother anymore. would anyone remember me in death? will my posts just be forever left to collect dust in the void of the internet? would my death be memorialized? i highly doubt it.
i dont have the clout for that.

who, then, would remember this piece of shit toxic waste? my family would only remember me for just that, with the deadnaming, ableist, misngendering memories as a cherry on top. my classmates? would they mourn me? perhaps for a day or so.

this is all toxic and cancel worthy content. how neg i am. i honestly dont know how i still have and make friends. it should be like a wanted sign all over everywhere saying im cancelled for being toxic and too neg. just like that one friend who cut me out bc i was too neg.
im just toxic.

thats my justification for my suicide. its like, even better for the world. one less toxic person. makes the world a better place.

fuck. im such a fucking fool for thinking i could be a pastor. for thinking i can make a change when im just a fucking ball of toxic vibes and energy. i cant compare to all the good pastors out in the world. im just as scum as all those shit pastors out there.

why do i even bother trying anymore. why do i even bother going to therapy when nothings gonna ever fucking change. why do i bother getting pricked and injected every month if the voices and dissociation and paranoia and delusions are just gonna continue.

even then, i feel disconnected. i feel like no one cares. no ones there. it might be a lie by depression but fuck if i know. i hate it when people say oh thats just a lie by depression/psychosis/etc. its just completely invalidating because like damb im crazy and to me its real. so fuck you for calling me a fucking liar. it literally does not help that people say my brain is lying to me. im fucking schizophrenic. my brain always lies to me. this is just something i know.
whats better to say?? fuck if i know!!

i feel like theres no remedy for me. i already go to therapy. i dont feel comfortable talking to her about everything bc of how many times my words had made me hospitalized. i dont trust her with my psychotic rants because she'll just invalidate me with words i already have heard millions of times by online psudopsychologists. "change your thinking" "find the positives in things" im not neurotypical karen.

which, in retrospect, is a bit too much. the amount of emotional intensity, i want others to just show that to me. but maybe im just toxic and i need to be cancelled.

when i tried to take my life a year and a week ago, my friends had forsook me, my family had always had, and my abusive ex was haunting me. now none of that except the family aspect is there. but all the same, my friends feel surface level, either they dont know me that well and don't know the things im experiencing, or they just dont have the time, energy, or care for what i have to say and think. and yeah. thats toxic i know. and there's no excuse for that. so what now? i would say just leave me be, just forsake me like my other friends because i deserve it, but even that is toxic?

ive been so busy with work and school that i dont go on masto anymore so idk how the whole thing is with clout and whatever. that was another big thing that influenced my attempt. but

its about to be a year and a week since i last attempted suicide like i said in an earlier toot. its all im thinking about. its all ive been thinking about this past month. a year and a week ago i lost all my friends. i have new friends now. but they do not see my pain and they do not see me. i feel invisible everyday. ive always wanted to be heard, seen, acknowledged, known. i remember even when i was a little kid i felt like this deep invisibility and this deep aching need to be seen and heard. my moms a narcissistic parent so thats probably one reason ive never been seen. i want to go out like a duck being shot with a big bullet, flying and exploding into nothingness. but unlike that bird i want to be remembered, mourned, and in some ways make those who made me invisible feel guilty for doing so.

but i know it wont happen that way. because i dont matter to people the way i want them to. i want them to worry like how i would,

LANTERNS WILL GLOW
ALL NIGHTS BECAUSE OF THE
PENDING REALITY
HE'S MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE
MISTAKEN A YOUNG ONE
FEASTING ON HER NATURE
THERE'S AN END TO THESE MEANS
FORECAST HAS FORETOLD CLOUDS, SLEET AND RAIN

STARS CROSS AND IMPLODE
CAR CRASHING INTO MARROW
HIS STOMACH'S WEAK FROM DERELICTION

careless decisions
endless predictions
now she's an empty shell

YOU HAVE BEEN THE CAUSE OF DISASTER
HER GOOD WILL HAVE LEFT YOU TO SHATTER

LANTERNS WILL GLOW
ALL NIGHT BECAUSE OF THE
PENDING REALITY
LANTERNS WILL SHOW
OUR SIGHTS LOST TRACK OF THE
PENDING REALITY
OH, THERE'S AN END TO THESE MEANS
FORECAST FORETOLD AN OAKS MASQUERADE

STARS CRASH AND IMPLODE
CAR CRASHING INTO MARROW
HIS STOMACH'S WEAK FROM DERELICTION

YOU HAVE BEEN THE CAUSE OF DISASTER
HER GOOD WILL HAS LEFT YOU
TO SHATTER.

YOU HAVE BEEN THE CAUSE OF DISASTER
HER GOOD WILL HAS LEFT YOU TO SHATTER

STARS CROSS AND IMPLODE
CAR CRASHING INTO MARROW
HIS STOMACH'S WEAK WITH
DERELICTION

NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD
NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH
NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD
NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH

maybe if i eat ill be happier

i dont know what else to say other than look at me im back on my neg private account lol

ive boosted all the relatable posts atm since my last suicide attempt.

i dont know why. it was comforting and it calmed me down a bit.

i still feel like shit tho.