(Still here on deadinsi.de because how can I walk away from a site with that domain.)
(And then I will just be deleting this account outright.)
Posting here about it is stupid.
Maybe I should just delete all my social media so I don't flail into the ether or have to see anyone else's successful lives.
I just want to go live in a farmhouse that nonetheless is walkable to a coffeeshop and a diner and just have everything else delivered. I’d settle for feeling like any given day wasn’t basically pointless even if I was fine with bits and pieces of it along the way at the time.
And even this thread feels unnecessary and unearned and unseemly even though it’s my own life.
And I still have a liver ultrasound and I still have lab work and I still have a postponed sleep study and I still have mysterious body aches and I still have to decide on bladder stone removal surgery and a diverticulum biopsy and the thought of having to care for a catheter for two weeks paralyzes me.
Yesterday I had a CT scan (don’t worry, this thread is amongst the cards and letters I will burn), which is a minor and uninvasive thing but still I trembled uncontrollably through almost the entire thing, I guess because the last time I was prone on a medical table was last week for a cystoscopy and I was still traumatized?
This morning was cold pizza out of a bowl because the dishes aren’t done I sure as shit aren’t going to do them at the moment, and dumping leftover home coffee and leftover coffeeshop latte into a glass.
Lately I just keep hearing a Waterboys lyric.
I'm gonna find me a ship
Stowaway on a boat
I'm gonna burn all the words
And letters and cards that I ever wrote
That last bit just keeps reverberating in my head, for two weeks now.
I think I have an unnecessary unearned and unseemly need to be relevant and it fucks up my mental life. There’s nothing I do or think of doing that isn’t rightfully being done or can’t be done by other people, in better ways and more attuned to progress. It’s all just deluded wheel spinning on my end.
(The latter appeals in part because it’s more streamlined but also because it has that section about how “reverse isms” aren’t a thing and we won’t act on complaints about them.)
It's weird that on #WriteFreely blog entries there is literally no link back to the main page of the site. Only a link to WriteFreely itself. To discover anything else on the site, you'd have to go to the URL field and manually erase everything but the domain.