[sobbing mathematically] @lemememeringue@deadinsi.de

this metaphor was a lot more put together when she said it. anyway, it's funny to think of my hangups as just socks.

I don't have an answer to my questions but my sister was able to help me put things back in perspective. we both have a lot of internalised isms and we're working through them all alone without any proper training. and I'm a lot better than I used to be. it feels like I've taken ten steps backwards but I haven't actually lost any progress, just uncovered something I didn't clean up as well as I thought. it's like I cleaned the whole house to get rid of a mouldy smell and then I find a pair of old socks. the socks are grimy but at least my house is mostly clean.

now how do I be okay with me?? 😭 how do I accept myself in more than just name?

all this anxiety makes me wonder if I made a mistake bc I'm checking to see if I truly feel attraction and if this is actually internalised biphobia but I know it's not. I know it's not because the thought of living my life with a man makes me sad and scared but I am So Happy whenever a woman expresses even a passing interest in me. I documented my feelings. I don't have to remember perfectly because I Wrote It Down. I know who I am.

"safety net" is probably the wrong term since the whole time it felt like an inescapable curse, but yanno.

I don't really know how to Be a lesbian person. I spent so much time researching social dynamics and presentation that I forgot to actually learn to be okay with just being around women. I see them and feel like I'm perving and the way I was able to previously "cleanse" myself was to cognitively distance myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be present.

I think id'ing as a lesbian has rly just pointed out stuff that was already there. I still have hangups abt explicitly sapphic content that I Don't have abt hetero or achillean content of the same vein. now that I've chosen to give up my bi identity, specifically because I chose to stop centring my love life around men, I have to actually Process what that means without the safety net of "eventually there will be a guy".

okay I rly thought I was over this but since the label switch I've started doing the Checking stuff again like shdhfj stoppp I don't need to do that!!

@icarus yeah!! thanks!

I don't rly wanna dig into the more niche flags tbh. I just got here I'm not qualified to be repping advanced lesbianism

I remember the first lesbian pride flag I saw was the one w the battle axe. that was metal and wayyy more appealing even now. (I think I just have a bias towards purple tbh.) but the triangle brings up some memories I'd rather not think of. I assume that was intentional but that's uh, not rly smth I want to remember every single time.