venting in very unfair ways 

i never used to understand why people in awful situations would be upset by being told how brave they are, because it came from such a lovely place, but i get it now. it makes me want to scream sometimes.

i am not *brave,* i am *terrified.* i have panic attacks every day and crippling waves of helplessness every time i think about my situation slightly too long. i am all but confined to bedrest, the single most soul-crushing thing in existence.

every time i hear “you’re so brave”, all i can hear at this point is “congratulations on not killing yourself, somehow”. i know where it comes from, and i appreciate it—i do—but it feels mocking, sometimes.

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venting in very unfair ways 

i am sick of dealing with my own emotions, i’m sick of dealing with others’ emotions, i’m sick of being sick and of being in more pain on a daily basis than some people ever experience in their lives. i hate it. i hate not knowing whether or not i even have a hope of survival. there is genuine trauma to be found in uncertainty.

all i want is to be okay. or even to know whether or not i’ll be okay at all. i HATE this, so much.

i hate the fact that there is NOTHING i can fucking do.

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