My experience with being a girl was like this.
Imagine you're born wearing an invisible mask. You naturally assume everyone else is wearing a mask, too.
Every time someone tells you how to act or how to be you add some paint to the mask. The mask getting heavier each time.
Eventually, 2 weeks ago for me, the mask starts suffocating you. You start drowning. It's literally killing you. But you don't know it's the mask doing it because the mask was always there.
After breaking down completely, and still not being sure why, you take off the mask.
And then, the next moment, I was trans.
@2015_05_09 That is pretty much how I felt. But I will add an addendum.
Sonetimes you finally realize how heavy the mask is and finally take it off. And let one person see. Then another. But around you are blaring ads saying "Masks great! Upgrade mask today!" So you keep wearing it, knowing you dont want to. And the mask gets smaller and smaller so it doesn't cover as much as it used to, and more people see. But you still throw it on for appearances. Until boom, you break it.
@NeoAJ ouch, I can't imagine how painful that is. I decided right away I would never put the mask on again as soon as I noticed I was wearing it. I just thought it was normal to wear it. To feel like I always did.
@2015_05_09 I've been doing it for six years. Still doing it. Forced Stealth Week is evidence. I did because I thought I still needed the mask to survive and get a job I wanted in my industry. Didnt even start chipping at the edges of the mask until last year. But now, I am so close. So close to smashing that fucking mask over my knee and being done with it. I know that day is coming soon. How many people are caught by the debris. That will be the question.
@NeoAJ I'm so sorry girl that hurts me so much!! Augh.
I can't wait for you to hatch!!
@2015_05_09 Definitely a cracked egg at this point. There is a little bit of sunlight. Since coming here and having a space where I can be myself 24/7, more sunlight has appeared.
@NeoAJ I'm so glad! I hope I'm helping with that a little!
@2015_05_09 You are! You and the whole community has been great. Its why I stay here. I just, feel happier here than elsewhere. And I hope I can spread that.
I knew dimly that something had gone wrong at some point in my life. I'd made a wrong decision, or been knocked off course, and i'd ended up in the wrong timeline, or just i was the wrong timeline, which had to exist so the real one could too
There was no reason to care about anything, because i'd already failed, or, was always going to
Then i hear this music, and it comes from the real timeline, and somehow i trace it back and, here i am, a stowaway in reality
That said i can heavy relate to the mask metaphor. Depersonalisation for me is like, being shunted two inches back inside my own head, peering out through distant eyes, hands not quite reaching far enough to touch anything. Like being underwater, or in a dream.
Some days i'd wake up too much and it was like everything was made of painful light, i felt everything but it hurt.
With trans i'm goldilocks, i wake up juuust right
@flout that's such a beautiful way to put it! I'd probably have heard the music too if I wasn't so unbelievably good at denial and repression.
Trans feels, caps
I managed ~27 years! Then foolishly i played an indie game cuz the pixelart was so good and then oh huh the dev makes music and oh it, looks like theyre trans and this music really speaks t-OH FUCK OH NO O-
and here we are 2 years later.
Seems like the major thing to ensure trans realisations happen sooner is to uh, have there be trans people who exist to know about, and share their experiences
@2015_05_09 i relate as well
@2015_05_09 This is exactly how I felt!
I didn't know I was trans for the longest time because I didn't even consider it a possibility. But now that I've taken off the mask I can never put it back on.
You'll be alright, sister
This was me except for I knew it was a mask... And I still couldn't put it down:( thankfully now I have. *Offers a supportive hug*